Powerless, Not Helpless

I need to be able to fix things. There is this desire (most likely driven by ego) to be able to state I am self-sufficient enough that I can do all things. I would rather not have to rely on other people. I’m sure you have heard the joke: I want the members of my last group project to the be the pallbearers at my funeral; that way, they can let me down one more time.

I just want to be able to do it all, at all times, in any manner necessary, with varying degrees of success. Is that really so much to ask?

I am powerless.

Those are three difficult words to say. That is an admission I do not want to make. There are too many implications in that phrase that I do not think I am ready to deal with.

I might need to rely on somebody else. I might need to invite someone into the deepest, darkest places of my life. I may need to admit that I actually do know how weak I am. I may need to take off my mask and acknowledge that I have just been putting on a show.

That is not who I want you to see when you look at me. I want you to see Michael Jordan in his prime; Stephen King churning out bestsellers; Lin-Manuel Miranda creating another masterpiece. I want you to see success. I want you to see strength. I want you to see perfection.

I want you to see me as powerful.

I want you to think I have my life together.

I want you to think as highly of myself as I do.

Only, I don’t really think that highly of myself. When I put on that show, it is much more for my benefit than for anyone else’s. I think I have always known that I am powerless. I just never wanted to say it out loud. I mean, let’s face it, there is quite a wake of destruction in my path. I can see the evidence of how my lack of power nearly destroyed those I love; nearly destroyed me.

I am powerless. I am not helpless. I can’t do this on my own. But when others pour into me (and I don’t resist them), I find the strength to survive each day.

I may never look as great as I want to. But that’s okay. That’s not me. I’m powerless today. Thank God.

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From dust you came, to dust you will return.

You were powerless to bring yourself into the world; you are powerless to the fact that you will one day leave this world. It is the human experience to be born; to experience death. We make choices along the way. We make decisions every day. But our power is limited. It is good when we can remember that.